Ironman Arizona in 1 week

Ironman Arizona is in 1 week...and it doesn't. feel. real.

Every now and again i get nervous, and every now and again i get excited. But has it really, truly registered in my head that I'm doing this thing next week?

Not really. Well. At least not fully.

Because how can I possibly wrap the notion of this monumental, life altering event around my head? This ever looming goal that I've been working towards for so long now.

Officially, I've been working towards this goal for a solid 1 year.

But unofficially...this goal is almost 3 years in the making. From the time that I did my very first triathlon in March 07...I had a sneaking suspicion that I would one day want to compete in an Ironman Tri.

My suspiscions turned into reality when I volunteered on the race course for Ironman Arizona that same year in April 07.

I witnessed thousands of people fulfilling their dreams that day....some completing their first ever Ironman...others attaining their personal PRs..and yet others qualifying for Ironman Hawaii for the first time in their lives.

I got teary eyed several times that day. I remember driving down the streets of tempe on the bike route, watching Ironman Triathletes working so hard on their bikes....so determined...reaching for their goals...

....and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'...

I remember watching people at the finish line...people who'd been going at it for over 13 hours... some running for a sprint finish, others wincing and hobling in pain to the end. Many had tears of joy running down their cheeks as they crossed the finish line and collapsed onto a volunteer...

...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'

I remember being at the volunteer's appreciation banquet the day after Ironman, where they played a video montage of the Ironman Race from the day before.

In one of the first scenes of the video, I remember AFI's 'Miseria Cantare" (The Beginning) playing in the background as they filmed the beginning of the swim start for Ironman. I remember watching a woman who was about to compete in the race look up to the sky and say a little prayer before jumping into the water to fulfill her destiny...

...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'

Well. It's 2.5years later.

And next week, on sunday, that 'someday' will arrive.

And on that day, that WILL be me.

I'm going to be the one looking up to the sky, wiping a tear out of my eye, and jumping into the water for the swim start.

And I'm going to be the one with my head down, focused, working hard on the bike with complete determination.

And I'm going to be the one crossing that finish line...sprinting or hobbling...it doesn't matter....I'm going to do it.

ANd Crossing the finish line along with me, will be the support and inspiration of many, many people who've helped me achieve this goal.

And I can't wait to make everyone proud.

But along with all these feelings of hope and determination come feelings of fear. I thought about this pretty hard.....I've been feeling a little anxious on and off for the last week or so as the day comes closer...and I've narrowed my anxiety down to two specific 'fears'

Fear 1) I'm scared of the pain that is to come on Sunday.
They say that Ironman is one of the most painful and trying experiences you'll ever go through in your life. And I believe them. I'm scared of what Mile 16 on the marathon will feel like. And worse yet, I'm scared of what Mile 20 will feel like. Will it feel like knives jabbing into my quads as some describe? Will I want to collapse at every single step going forward but force myself to keep going? Will I be in so much pain that a constant stream of tears will be flowing down my cheeks? Will I really feel the deepest, most painful physical 'hurt' I've ever felt in my entire life?

To be honest...all these pain related fears fuel my excitement a bit. Masochistic, I know. But I just keep thinking to myself "Can u imagine what it'll be like to be able to say 'I survived that...I survived an Ironman' " I want to know that hurt, as scared as I am of it, I want to embrace it as a part of the journey. I want to see what it feels like to conquer the pain with positive thinking...and I want to see what I'm capable of overcoming.


Fear 2) I've been working at this goal for so long now...I'm scared of feeling 'lost' after it's all over.
Unlike fear #2. This is the bad kind of fear. The kind of fear that I really should be able to push aside.

The thing is that I've been saying things like 'after ironman i'll travel' or 'after ironman i'll read more' and 'after ironman, i'll immerse myself more in the work I do' .

I have many, many things lined up that I want to do after Ironman...believe u me. But I don't have one definitive, cohesive goal, just a bunch of mini goals that I want to accompish after Ironman. And none are as well defined and as earth-shattering/life altering as Ironman. And I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to be a little while before I can figure out what that 'next big passion' will be in my life.

In the past when I've felt lost..I've been terrified of the what ifs. What if I can't find something else I love. What if I don't know what I want to do next....what if.

But this time, instead of running away from it...i want to welcome it. I have the opportunity to figure out my next big passion. Running will always be there. Triathlon will always be there. These things won't leave my life anytime soon. So what's there to be scared about? I have EVERYTHING to be excited about.

I get to be free, be flexible, carve out a path for myself. Will it be striving to get admitted to a Top Tier school for an MBAl? Will it be playing a key role in taking Hangout to a successful exit? Will it be taking the lessons that I've learned thus far and boostrapping my own little company? Or maybe someting else all together?

Who knows? And instead of being scared of the unknown...I am trying my best to embrace it with open arms.

All fears aside, right now, I know one thing for sure. It's way past my bedtime..and I can't wait for Ironman Arizona next Sunday

Azra