Attempting to complete Ironman Arizona has been a dream of mine for quite some time. An Ironman Triathlon is a 2.4mi swim, 112mi bike ride and 26.2 mi run within a 17h time period. On Nov 22nd 2009 I attempted and failed to complete Ironman Arizona by falling 5 min short of reaching the 4:15pm bike cutoff time and receiving a DNF.
DNF in triathlon stands for Did Not Finish. But to me, my DNF during Ironman Arizona stands for Dream Not Fulfilled (yet). I’ll be back in Arizona someday to re-attempt making this dream a reality. For now, here’s my account of what happened and what I learned from it.
The Build Up To The Ironman:
On Nov 22nd 2009, I toed the line with over 2500 athletes to compete in Ironman Arizona (2.4mi swim, 112mi bike ride, 26.2mi run) The weather conditions were forecasted to be perfect: A 75 degree high with 6mph or so winds. But inside, I didn't feel perfect. For some reason, over the last few weeks, while I'd been anticipating this event in eagerness, I couldn't picture myself crossing the line.
I had started training for this event in January of this year and by the time Aug rolled around, I had built up a solid base to jump into peak training with. I did a half Ironman (1.2mi swim, 56mi bike, 13.1mi run) on Aug 1st called Barb’s race (my 3rd Half Iron ever) that went pretty well from my standards. I had been working hard all year and was improving little by little. The proof was in the pudding.
Starting in August, I began to get into the MEAT of Ironman training. During this time, it was necessary for me to workout 15-20h per week, ride 80-100mi over the weekend and essentially making Ironman training a top priority no matter what. While this was a daunting challenge, racing Barb’s race had re-ignited my desire to train and I felt ready for it.
But right in the midst of this all, a job opportunity that caused me to move from SF to LA came across my path. The position was almost exactly the kind of role I had envisioned myself pursuing about a year down the road. At this point, I wasn’t ready to leave SF by any means…I mean I had a great gig at Slide and I was right smack in the middle of the PEAK training for Ironman Arizona for cryin’ out loud. But…something inside my told me that going to LA and accepting this opp was the right thing for my career and my future. I just couldn’t bring myself to say no to it.
I accepted the position as the manager of marketing and analytics and Hangout Industries on Aug. 10th 2009 and I needed to pack up, say good bye to my friends and family, and get the heck outa san Francisco within a short 3 week time period for a Sept 1st start date.
Suddenly, I didn’t want to let triathlon and Ironman be one of my top two priorities in life. I wanted to hang out with my friends. I wanted to stay out late. I wanted to be with my family. I wanted to pack everything in peace. I wanted to take in what I could of San Francisco before I had to leave it prematurely to pursue this new opportunity down south.
And during that time, I resented Ironman and I resented triathlon. I didn’t want to do those 80mi bike rides in the heat. I didn’t want to dedicate every single one of my three last weekends to triathlon. I wanted to go have fun and I didn’t want to worry about how it would affect my workouts. I didn’t want to ‘figure’ out some way to ‘fit’ it all in. I wanted to be ‘normal’.
So tri training took a back seat. A HUGE back seat. I stopped doing most of my weekly workouts. I had no drive to. I hated the fact that I had to move across the state yet I had to worry about making my target workouts EVERY SINGLE DAY. I still kept up with all of the longer workouts, but the heart just wasn’t there.
Once I moved down to LA and started working, the same feelings haunted me. I had JUST moved to LA and I wanted to unpack, I wanted to adjust, I wanted to get to know more people and explore the town and I DIDN’T want to be a slave to triathlon training.
I actually seriously thought about ‘quitting’ Ironman at that time and try again when the heart was there, maybe next year…maybe the year after. I didn’t want to do Ironman like this. I wanted to do it right. I wanted to do it when I was completely vested in it and was yearning for it.
But something inside me just wouldn’t let me quit cold and try again. I had already sunk so much time into this and I was so close.
12 weeks.
So, so close.
I just couldn’t get myself to throw in the towel. So I kept going, half assed, missing too many weekly workouts, and barely hangin’ on. Sadly and simply put, I just didn’t want to do the work. So I didn’t.
I felt like I was doing ‘just enough’ to stay afloat and at this point, ‘just enough’ was good enough for me. I didn’t care anymore. I just want this doggone thing done with. By the way, training ‘just enough’ still meant training roughly 12-13h during the heaviest weeks, instead of the 15-17h that I really should’ve been putting in.
This is NOT how I wanted to feel when I toed the line during Ironman. I absolutely knew that I was cutting corners and not putting in the work that I should’ve put in. Did I feel like I could cross that finish line at that time? Yeah, I did. But could I envision what it would feel like given that I was (way) less than satisfied with the work that I had put into it? No, I really couldn’t.
To Be Continued....
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Ironman Arizona in 1 week
Ironman Arizona is in 1 week...and it doesn't. feel. real.
Every now and again i get nervous, and every now and again i get excited. But has it really, truly registered in my head that I'm doing this thing next week?
Not really. Well. At least not fully.
Because how can I possibly wrap the notion of this monumental, life altering event around my head? This ever looming goal that I've been working towards for so long now.
Officially, I've been working towards this goal for a solid 1 year.
But unofficially...this goal is almost 3 years in the making. From the time that I did my very first triathlon in March 07...I had a sneaking suspicion that I would one day want to compete in an Ironman Tri.
My suspiscions turned into reality when I volunteered on the race course for Ironman Arizona that same year in April 07.
I witnessed thousands of people fulfilling their dreams that day....some completing their first ever Ironman...others attaining their personal PRs..and yet others qualifying for Ironman Hawaii for the first time in their lives.
I got teary eyed several times that day. I remember driving down the streets of tempe on the bike route, watching Ironman Triathletes working so hard on their bikes....so determined...reaching for their goals...
....and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'...
I remember watching people at the finish line...people who'd been going at it for over 13 hours... some running for a sprint finish, others wincing and hobling in pain to the end. Many had tears of joy running down their cheeks as they crossed the finish line and collapsed onto a volunteer...
...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'
I remember being at the volunteer's appreciation banquet the day after Ironman, where they played a video montage of the Ironman Race from the day before.
In one of the first scenes of the video, I remember AFI's 'Miseria Cantare" (The Beginning) playing in the background as they filmed the beginning of the swim start for Ironman. I remember watching a woman who was about to compete in the race look up to the sky and say a little prayer before jumping into the water to fulfill her destiny...
...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'
Well. It's 2.5years later.
And next week, on sunday, that 'someday' will arrive.
And on that day, that WILL be me.
I'm going to be the one looking up to the sky, wiping a tear out of my eye, and jumping into the water for the swim start.
And I'm going to be the one with my head down, focused, working hard on the bike with complete determination.
And I'm going to be the one crossing that finish line...sprinting or hobbling...it doesn't matter....I'm going to do it.
ANd Crossing the finish line along with me, will be the support and inspiration of many, many people who've helped me achieve this goal.
And I can't wait to make everyone proud.
But along with all these feelings of hope and determination come feelings of fear. I thought about this pretty hard.....I've been feeling a little anxious on and off for the last week or so as the day comes closer...and I've narrowed my anxiety down to two specific 'fears'
Fear 1) I'm scared of the pain that is to come on Sunday.
They say that Ironman is one of the most painful and trying experiences you'll ever go through in your life. And I believe them. I'm scared of what Mile 16 on the marathon will feel like. And worse yet, I'm scared of what Mile 20 will feel like. Will it feel like knives jabbing into my quads as some describe? Will I want to collapse at every single step going forward but force myself to keep going? Will I be in so much pain that a constant stream of tears will be flowing down my cheeks? Will I really feel the deepest, most painful physical 'hurt' I've ever felt in my entire life?
To be honest...all these pain related fears fuel my excitement a bit. Masochistic, I know. But I just keep thinking to myself "Can u imagine what it'll be like to be able to say 'I survived that...I survived an Ironman' " I want to know that hurt, as scared as I am of it, I want to embrace it as a part of the journey. I want to see what it feels like to conquer the pain with positive thinking...and I want to see what I'm capable of overcoming.
Fear 2) I've been working at this goal for so long now...I'm scared of feeling 'lost' after it's all over.
Unlike fear #2. This is the bad kind of fear. The kind of fear that I really should be able to push aside.
The thing is that I've been saying things like 'after ironman i'll travel' or 'after ironman i'll read more' and 'after ironman, i'll immerse myself more in the work I do' .
I have many, many things lined up that I want to do after Ironman...believe u me. But I don't have one definitive, cohesive goal, just a bunch of mini goals that I want to accompish after Ironman. And none are as well defined and as earth-shattering/life altering as Ironman. And I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to be a little while before I can figure out what that 'next big passion' will be in my life.
In the past when I've felt lost..I've been terrified of the what ifs. What if I can't find something else I love. What if I don't know what I want to do next....what if.
But this time, instead of running away from it...i want to welcome it. I have the opportunity to figure out my next big passion. Running will always be there. Triathlon will always be there. These things won't leave my life anytime soon. So what's there to be scared about? I have EVERYTHING to be excited about.
I get to be free, be flexible, carve out a path for myself. Will it be striving to get admitted to a Top Tier school for an MBAl? Will it be playing a key role in taking Hangout to a successful exit? Will it be taking the lessons that I've learned thus far and boostrapping my own little company? Or maybe someting else all together?
Who knows? And instead of being scared of the unknown...I am trying my best to embrace it with open arms.
All fears aside, right now, I know one thing for sure. It's way past my bedtime..and I can't wait for Ironman Arizona next Sunday
Azra
Every now and again i get nervous, and every now and again i get excited. But has it really, truly registered in my head that I'm doing this thing next week?
Not really. Well. At least not fully.
Because how can I possibly wrap the notion of this monumental, life altering event around my head? This ever looming goal that I've been working towards for so long now.
Officially, I've been working towards this goal for a solid 1 year.
But unofficially...this goal is almost 3 years in the making. From the time that I did my very first triathlon in March 07...I had a sneaking suspicion that I would one day want to compete in an Ironman Tri.
My suspiscions turned into reality when I volunteered on the race course for Ironman Arizona that same year in April 07.
I witnessed thousands of people fulfilling their dreams that day....some completing their first ever Ironman...others attaining their personal PRs..and yet others qualifying for Ironman Hawaii for the first time in their lives.
I got teary eyed several times that day. I remember driving down the streets of tempe on the bike route, watching Ironman Triathletes working so hard on their bikes....so determined...reaching for their goals...
....and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'...
I remember watching people at the finish line...people who'd been going at it for over 13 hours... some running for a sprint finish, others wincing and hobling in pain to the end. Many had tears of joy running down their cheeks as they crossed the finish line and collapsed onto a volunteer...
...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'
I remember being at the volunteer's appreciation banquet the day after Ironman, where they played a video montage of the Ironman Race from the day before.
In one of the first scenes of the video, I remember AFI's 'Miseria Cantare" (The Beginning) playing in the background as they filmed the beginning of the swim start for Ironman. I remember watching a woman who was about to compete in the race look up to the sky and say a little prayer before jumping into the water to fulfill her destiny...
...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'
Well. It's 2.5years later.
And next week, on sunday, that 'someday' will arrive.
And on that day, that WILL be me.
I'm going to be the one looking up to the sky, wiping a tear out of my eye, and jumping into the water for the swim start.
And I'm going to be the one with my head down, focused, working hard on the bike with complete determination.
And I'm going to be the one crossing that finish line...sprinting or hobbling...it doesn't matter....I'm going to do it.
ANd Crossing the finish line along with me, will be the support and inspiration of many, many people who've helped me achieve this goal.
And I can't wait to make everyone proud.
But along with all these feelings of hope and determination come feelings of fear. I thought about this pretty hard.....I've been feeling a little anxious on and off for the last week or so as the day comes closer...and I've narrowed my anxiety down to two specific 'fears'
Fear 1) I'm scared of the pain that is to come on Sunday.
They say that Ironman is one of the most painful and trying experiences you'll ever go through in your life. And I believe them. I'm scared of what Mile 16 on the marathon will feel like. And worse yet, I'm scared of what Mile 20 will feel like. Will it feel like knives jabbing into my quads as some describe? Will I want to collapse at every single step going forward but force myself to keep going? Will I be in so much pain that a constant stream of tears will be flowing down my cheeks? Will I really feel the deepest, most painful physical 'hurt' I've ever felt in my entire life?
To be honest...all these pain related fears fuel my excitement a bit. Masochistic, I know. But I just keep thinking to myself "Can u imagine what it'll be like to be able to say 'I survived that...I survived an Ironman' " I want to know that hurt, as scared as I am of it, I want to embrace it as a part of the journey. I want to see what it feels like to conquer the pain with positive thinking...and I want to see what I'm capable of overcoming.
Fear 2) I've been working at this goal for so long now...I'm scared of feeling 'lost' after it's all over.
Unlike fear #2. This is the bad kind of fear. The kind of fear that I really should be able to push aside.
The thing is that I've been saying things like 'after ironman i'll travel' or 'after ironman i'll read more' and 'after ironman, i'll immerse myself more in the work I do' .
I have many, many things lined up that I want to do after Ironman...believe u me. But I don't have one definitive, cohesive goal, just a bunch of mini goals that I want to accompish after Ironman. And none are as well defined and as earth-shattering/life altering as Ironman. And I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to be a little while before I can figure out what that 'next big passion' will be in my life.
In the past when I've felt lost..I've been terrified of the what ifs. What if I can't find something else I love. What if I don't know what I want to do next....what if.
But this time, instead of running away from it...i want to welcome it. I have the opportunity to figure out my next big passion. Running will always be there. Triathlon will always be there. These things won't leave my life anytime soon. So what's there to be scared about? I have EVERYTHING to be excited about.
I get to be free, be flexible, carve out a path for myself. Will it be striving to get admitted to a Top Tier school for an MBAl? Will it be playing a key role in taking Hangout to a successful exit? Will it be taking the lessons that I've learned thus far and boostrapping my own little company? Or maybe someting else all together?
Who knows? And instead of being scared of the unknown...I am trying my best to embrace it with open arms.
All fears aside, right now, I know one thing for sure. It's way past my bedtime..and I can't wait for Ironman Arizona next Sunday
Azra
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