Attempting to complete Ironman Arizona has been a dream of mine for quite some time. An Ironman Triathlon is a 2.4mi swim, 112mi bike ride and 26.2 mi run within a 17h time period. On Nov 22nd 2009 I attempted and failed to complete Ironman Arizona by falling 5 min short of reaching the 4:15pm bike cutoff time and receiving a DNF.
DNF in triathlon stands for Did Not Finish. But to me, my DNF during Ironman Arizona stands for Dream Not Fulfilled (yet). I’ll be back in Arizona someday to re-attempt making this dream a reality. For now, here’s my account of what happened and what I learned from it.
Part 3, the 'happy' Bike:
After the abysmal swim that I had just had, I was ready to get out there and have fun on the 112 bike ride ahead of me. Yes. FUN.
Ok. Here we go. Time forget about the cold ass swim and go have some fun. You’re doing an Ironman Azra. An Ironman! Do you realize this? You just SWAM 2.4mi, more than you’ve ever swam in one sitting and you’re doing THIS! You're about to go ride 112 miles...you're REALLY doing this!
Finally..I started to get into it. I used a heart rate monitor (HRM) to help me pace myself during the 112mi long bike segment. I had been using HRM training all through out my long rides and it had served me pretty well to this point. But that day, for some reason, my legs just didn’t have it. My whole body just didn’t have it. I was following My heart rate the way I was supposed to, but the speed I needed just wasn’t there. Hell, I was going slower than I had in my training rides on a considerably hillier terrain in much hotter weather. Granted I had a fairly strong headwind coming my way but I still felt like something wasn’t right. I should’ve been able to go faster, but I was afraid to stray from my game plan. What if I ‘blow’ my heart rate now at the expense of completely hitting the wall and collapsing on the run? I remained positive, thinking ‘I’m just cold, I’ll warm up and start getting faster after 15/20 miles. It’ll be okay’.
The Ironman Arizona’s Bike Course is a 3 loop Out and Back course with a slight incline and a headwind on the way out and a slight decline and a tail wind on the way down the course. I chalked up my slow speed to both of these factors on the way up thinking I’ll make up plenty of lost ground on the way back and sure enough, I started zooming after the turnaround and my spirits picked up.
I had a gynormous smile on my face the whole way back! Going downhill with a tailwind is WAY more fun than going uphill with a headwind! Even if the incline is ever so slight.
I was also making sure to take in 250 calories an hour . During the Ironman, you have to make EXTRA sure that you take in an appropriate number of calories each hour so that you have enough fuel to sustain your endurance for the day. Each person is very different in terms of what works with their stomach and taste buds since you have to be taking in gels, Gatorade/fluids, energy bars and whatever else have you WHILE you’re working your ass off on the bike or during the run.
I had practiced my plan and had it down solid. I knew what worked for me and what didn’t and I repeatedly did the math in my head, counting every calorie I took on the bike to make sure that I hit roughly 250 calories per hour.
So, flying downhill, taking in calories, and keeping track of my heart rate, the turn around point to start loop number 2 appeared within no time. My spirits picked up as I got closer and closer to downtown Tempe. The streets were completely packed with spectators and I was SO energized by their presence and their cheers!
So, not to brag or anything, but people LOVE to cheer me on during races. I think it’s because I always have a HUGE ear to ear grin on my face when I’m doing triathlons. Even though I don’t always love training, I LOVE racing. And unless I’m seriously crazy suffering out there, I am always smiling because I’m just so happy to be alive and able to experience the exhileration and the joy of racing. And let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to cheer a cute little Indian girl with a HUGE smile who looks like she’s just SO happy to be there ☺
I kept going, thanking all the volunteer that I could in the process and I got closer and closer to the turn-around point. I saw my parents right before the turn around and oh man I nearly lost it. I am so lucky to have such amazing parents who don’t always get my crazy obsession with triathlon but are incredibly proud of me and supportive none the less.
Finally…there’s the turnaround, I slowed my bike down, maneuvered around the dividers and was OFF for loop number two. On my way out, I saw Phil with his camera out, cheering me on, taking pics on the bike. I remember thinking how much I appreciated his support through all of this as I flew through the crowded streets on my bike.
Excited, energized...I was finally embracing the Ironman with open arms. I was convinced that the worst part was over with the swim and the first half of the first loop on the bike course....boy was I wrong.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Ironman Arizona: A DNF story part 2 (The Swim)
Attempting to complete Ironman Arizona has been a dream of mine for quite some time. An Ironman Triathlon is a 2.4mi swim, 112mi bike ride and 26.2 mi run within a 17h time period. On Nov 22nd 2009 I attempted and failed to complete Ironman Arizona by falling 5 min short of reaching the 4:15pm bike cutoff time and receiving a DNF.
DNF in triathlon stands for Did Not Finish. But to me, my DNF during Ironman Arizona stands for Dream Not Fulfilled (yet). I’ll be back in Arizona someday to re-attempt making this dream a reality. For now, here’s my account of what happened and what I learned from it.
Part 2, The Swim:
As I jumped into the water and warmed up to get ready for the MASS swim start at 7am, I just didn’t feel like I was doing an Ironman. What I did feel, was that the water was incredibly cold. I knew that the water wasn’t actually cold, I mean hell, I swam in the Aquatic Park in SF in 50-55 degree water and this was only 63 degrees. But for some reason, the water felt EXTRA cold to me. I seeded myself WAY back behind the masses. I wanted to have a comfortable swim. Being a few extra minutes faster was really not worth being pummeled by tons of people swim around and over me in the water. My pacing strategy was to take it easy in the water. WAYYY easy. The swim is the shortest event in the Ironman triathlon. Going harder would mean gaining a few extra minutes at best, possibly at the expense of feeling exhausted out of the water.
But going at that slow pace, I just COULDN’T warm up. I was scared to go faster since my swim endurance was definitely the worst out of the three disciplines but I was SO cold the entire time. It makes no sense to me since I generally LOVE swimming in ~65 degrees water with a wetsuit. All I could think of was how cold I was and how I wish I could JUST warm up. I tried to focus on other things and that helped, but physically, my body was COLD and TENSE. My legs kept cramping up as did my hip flexors and the entire thing was a terribly uncomfortable experience. In retrospect, I wish I had gone faster just to get warmer.
Coming out of the water, the volunteers had to help me up because I couldn’t feel my feet too well. They stripped the wetsuit off me and handed it to me, instructed me to the changing tent and sent me along my way. I was shivering. Shaking. Uncontrollably. And in my head I remember thinking ‘the water wasn’t that cold…I know it wasn’t…I’ve swam in much worse than that during practice swims and still managed to get warm in the water within 10-15 min or so of swimming…WHAT happened?’ I have to be honest. I have no idea. I still don’t know WHY the water felt SO cold. What I do know, is that I wasted ~10 minutes just to thaw out and get warmer and be able to stop my legs from shaking uncontrollably.
10 minutes doesn’t seem like a long time during an event that you’re given 17h to complete, but when you miss the bike cutoff by 5 min, you can’t help but play that numbers game. The reality is, had I trained right for this Ironman, A few extra minutes lost here and there wouldn’t have made the difference between making the cutoff and not making it.
One volunteer draped two mylar blankets around me and directed me to sit in the sun while another rubbed down my feet and my arms to get my blood going and help me warm up. A third volunteer helped into the changing tent and got me dressed. After 16 whole minutes, I was FINALLY ok to go out on the bike course.
DNF in triathlon stands for Did Not Finish. But to me, my DNF during Ironman Arizona stands for Dream Not Fulfilled (yet). I’ll be back in Arizona someday to re-attempt making this dream a reality. For now, here’s my account of what happened and what I learned from it.
Part 2, The Swim:
As I jumped into the water and warmed up to get ready for the MASS swim start at 7am, I just didn’t feel like I was doing an Ironman. What I did feel, was that the water was incredibly cold. I knew that the water wasn’t actually cold, I mean hell, I swam in the Aquatic Park in SF in 50-55 degree water and this was only 63 degrees. But for some reason, the water felt EXTRA cold to me. I seeded myself WAY back behind the masses. I wanted to have a comfortable swim. Being a few extra minutes faster was really not worth being pummeled by tons of people swim around and over me in the water. My pacing strategy was to take it easy in the water. WAYYY easy. The swim is the shortest event in the Ironman triathlon. Going harder would mean gaining a few extra minutes at best, possibly at the expense of feeling exhausted out of the water.
But going at that slow pace, I just COULDN’T warm up. I was scared to go faster since my swim endurance was definitely the worst out of the three disciplines but I was SO cold the entire time. It makes no sense to me since I generally LOVE swimming in ~65 degrees water with a wetsuit. All I could think of was how cold I was and how I wish I could JUST warm up. I tried to focus on other things and that helped, but physically, my body was COLD and TENSE. My legs kept cramping up as did my hip flexors and the entire thing was a terribly uncomfortable experience. In retrospect, I wish I had gone faster just to get warmer.
Coming out of the water, the volunteers had to help me up because I couldn’t feel my feet too well. They stripped the wetsuit off me and handed it to me, instructed me to the changing tent and sent me along my way. I was shivering. Shaking. Uncontrollably. And in my head I remember thinking ‘the water wasn’t that cold…I know it wasn’t…I’ve swam in much worse than that during practice swims and still managed to get warm in the water within 10-15 min or so of swimming…WHAT happened?’ I have to be honest. I have no idea. I still don’t know WHY the water felt SO cold. What I do know, is that I wasted ~10 minutes just to thaw out and get warmer and be able to stop my legs from shaking uncontrollably.
10 minutes doesn’t seem like a long time during an event that you’re given 17h to complete, but when you miss the bike cutoff by 5 min, you can’t help but play that numbers game. The reality is, had I trained right for this Ironman, A few extra minutes lost here and there wouldn’t have made the difference between making the cutoff and not making it.
One volunteer draped two mylar blankets around me and directed me to sit in the sun while another rubbed down my feet and my arms to get my blood going and help me warm up. A third volunteer helped into the changing tent and got me dressed. After 16 whole minutes, I was FINALLY ok to go out on the bike course.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Ironman Arizona 2009: A DNF story PART 1 (The Build Up)
Attempting to complete Ironman Arizona has been a dream of mine for quite some time. An Ironman Triathlon is a 2.4mi swim, 112mi bike ride and 26.2 mi run within a 17h time period. On Nov 22nd 2009 I attempted and failed to complete Ironman Arizona by falling 5 min short of reaching the 4:15pm bike cutoff time and receiving a DNF.
DNF in triathlon stands for Did Not Finish. But to me, my DNF during Ironman Arizona stands for Dream Not Fulfilled (yet). I’ll be back in Arizona someday to re-attempt making this dream a reality. For now, here’s my account of what happened and what I learned from it.
The Build Up To The Ironman:
On Nov 22nd 2009, I toed the line with over 2500 athletes to compete in Ironman Arizona (2.4mi swim, 112mi bike ride, 26.2mi run) The weather conditions were forecasted to be perfect: A 75 degree high with 6mph or so winds. But inside, I didn't feel perfect. For some reason, over the last few weeks, while I'd been anticipating this event in eagerness, I couldn't picture myself crossing the line.
I had started training for this event in January of this year and by the time Aug rolled around, I had built up a solid base to jump into peak training with. I did a half Ironman (1.2mi swim, 56mi bike, 13.1mi run) on Aug 1st called Barb’s race (my 3rd Half Iron ever) that went pretty well from my standards. I had been working hard all year and was improving little by little. The proof was in the pudding.
Starting in August, I began to get into the MEAT of Ironman training. During this time, it was necessary for me to workout 15-20h per week, ride 80-100mi over the weekend and essentially making Ironman training a top priority no matter what. While this was a daunting challenge, racing Barb’s race had re-ignited my desire to train and I felt ready for it.
But right in the midst of this all, a job opportunity that caused me to move from SF to LA came across my path. The position was almost exactly the kind of role I had envisioned myself pursuing about a year down the road. At this point, I wasn’t ready to leave SF by any means…I mean I had a great gig at Slide and I was right smack in the middle of the PEAK training for Ironman Arizona for cryin’ out loud. But…something inside my told me that going to LA and accepting this opp was the right thing for my career and my future. I just couldn’t bring myself to say no to it.
I accepted the position as the manager of marketing and analytics and Hangout Industries on Aug. 10th 2009 and I needed to pack up, say good bye to my friends and family, and get the heck outa san Francisco within a short 3 week time period for a Sept 1st start date.
Suddenly, I didn’t want to let triathlon and Ironman be one of my top two priorities in life. I wanted to hang out with my friends. I wanted to stay out late. I wanted to be with my family. I wanted to pack everything in peace. I wanted to take in what I could of San Francisco before I had to leave it prematurely to pursue this new opportunity down south.
And during that time, I resented Ironman and I resented triathlon. I didn’t want to do those 80mi bike rides in the heat. I didn’t want to dedicate every single one of my three last weekends to triathlon. I wanted to go have fun and I didn’t want to worry about how it would affect my workouts. I didn’t want to ‘figure’ out some way to ‘fit’ it all in. I wanted to be ‘normal’.
So tri training took a back seat. A HUGE back seat. I stopped doing most of my weekly workouts. I had no drive to. I hated the fact that I had to move across the state yet I had to worry about making my target workouts EVERY SINGLE DAY. I still kept up with all of the longer workouts, but the heart just wasn’t there.
Once I moved down to LA and started working, the same feelings haunted me. I had JUST moved to LA and I wanted to unpack, I wanted to adjust, I wanted to get to know more people and explore the town and I DIDN’T want to be a slave to triathlon training.
I actually seriously thought about ‘quitting’ Ironman at that time and try again when the heart was there, maybe next year…maybe the year after. I didn’t want to do Ironman like this. I wanted to do it right. I wanted to do it when I was completely vested in it and was yearning for it.
But something inside me just wouldn’t let me quit cold and try again. I had already sunk so much time into this and I was so close.
12 weeks.
So, so close.
I just couldn’t get myself to throw in the towel. So I kept going, half assed, missing too many weekly workouts, and barely hangin’ on. Sadly and simply put, I just didn’t want to do the work. So I didn’t.
I felt like I was doing ‘just enough’ to stay afloat and at this point, ‘just enough’ was good enough for me. I didn’t care anymore. I just want this doggone thing done with. By the way, training ‘just enough’ still meant training roughly 12-13h during the heaviest weeks, instead of the 15-17h that I really should’ve been putting in.
This is NOT how I wanted to feel when I toed the line during Ironman. I absolutely knew that I was cutting corners and not putting in the work that I should’ve put in. Did I feel like I could cross that finish line at that time? Yeah, I did. But could I envision what it would feel like given that I was (way) less than satisfied with the work that I had put into it? No, I really couldn’t.
To Be Continued....
DNF in triathlon stands for Did Not Finish. But to me, my DNF during Ironman Arizona stands for Dream Not Fulfilled (yet). I’ll be back in Arizona someday to re-attempt making this dream a reality. For now, here’s my account of what happened and what I learned from it.
The Build Up To The Ironman:
On Nov 22nd 2009, I toed the line with over 2500 athletes to compete in Ironman Arizona (2.4mi swim, 112mi bike ride, 26.2mi run) The weather conditions were forecasted to be perfect: A 75 degree high with 6mph or so winds. But inside, I didn't feel perfect. For some reason, over the last few weeks, while I'd been anticipating this event in eagerness, I couldn't picture myself crossing the line.
I had started training for this event in January of this year and by the time Aug rolled around, I had built up a solid base to jump into peak training with. I did a half Ironman (1.2mi swim, 56mi bike, 13.1mi run) on Aug 1st called Barb’s race (my 3rd Half Iron ever) that went pretty well from my standards. I had been working hard all year and was improving little by little. The proof was in the pudding.
Starting in August, I began to get into the MEAT of Ironman training. During this time, it was necessary for me to workout 15-20h per week, ride 80-100mi over the weekend and essentially making Ironman training a top priority no matter what. While this was a daunting challenge, racing Barb’s race had re-ignited my desire to train and I felt ready for it.
But right in the midst of this all, a job opportunity that caused me to move from SF to LA came across my path. The position was almost exactly the kind of role I had envisioned myself pursuing about a year down the road. At this point, I wasn’t ready to leave SF by any means…I mean I had a great gig at Slide and I was right smack in the middle of the PEAK training for Ironman Arizona for cryin’ out loud. But…something inside my told me that going to LA and accepting this opp was the right thing for my career and my future. I just couldn’t bring myself to say no to it.
I accepted the position as the manager of marketing and analytics and Hangout Industries on Aug. 10th 2009 and I needed to pack up, say good bye to my friends and family, and get the heck outa san Francisco within a short 3 week time period for a Sept 1st start date.
Suddenly, I didn’t want to let triathlon and Ironman be one of my top two priorities in life. I wanted to hang out with my friends. I wanted to stay out late. I wanted to be with my family. I wanted to pack everything in peace. I wanted to take in what I could of San Francisco before I had to leave it prematurely to pursue this new opportunity down south.
And during that time, I resented Ironman and I resented triathlon. I didn’t want to do those 80mi bike rides in the heat. I didn’t want to dedicate every single one of my three last weekends to triathlon. I wanted to go have fun and I didn’t want to worry about how it would affect my workouts. I didn’t want to ‘figure’ out some way to ‘fit’ it all in. I wanted to be ‘normal’.
So tri training took a back seat. A HUGE back seat. I stopped doing most of my weekly workouts. I had no drive to. I hated the fact that I had to move across the state yet I had to worry about making my target workouts EVERY SINGLE DAY. I still kept up with all of the longer workouts, but the heart just wasn’t there.
Once I moved down to LA and started working, the same feelings haunted me. I had JUST moved to LA and I wanted to unpack, I wanted to adjust, I wanted to get to know more people and explore the town and I DIDN’T want to be a slave to triathlon training.
I actually seriously thought about ‘quitting’ Ironman at that time and try again when the heart was there, maybe next year…maybe the year after. I didn’t want to do Ironman like this. I wanted to do it right. I wanted to do it when I was completely vested in it and was yearning for it.
But something inside me just wouldn’t let me quit cold and try again. I had already sunk so much time into this and I was so close.
12 weeks.
So, so close.
I just couldn’t get myself to throw in the towel. So I kept going, half assed, missing too many weekly workouts, and barely hangin’ on. Sadly and simply put, I just didn’t want to do the work. So I didn’t.
I felt like I was doing ‘just enough’ to stay afloat and at this point, ‘just enough’ was good enough for me. I didn’t care anymore. I just want this doggone thing done with. By the way, training ‘just enough’ still meant training roughly 12-13h during the heaviest weeks, instead of the 15-17h that I really should’ve been putting in.
This is NOT how I wanted to feel when I toed the line during Ironman. I absolutely knew that I was cutting corners and not putting in the work that I should’ve put in. Did I feel like I could cross that finish line at that time? Yeah, I did. But could I envision what it would feel like given that I was (way) less than satisfied with the work that I had put into it? No, I really couldn’t.
To Be Continued....
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Ironman Arizona in 1 week
Ironman Arizona is in 1 week...and it doesn't. feel. real.
Every now and again i get nervous, and every now and again i get excited. But has it really, truly registered in my head that I'm doing this thing next week?
Not really. Well. At least not fully.
Because how can I possibly wrap the notion of this monumental, life altering event around my head? This ever looming goal that I've been working towards for so long now.
Officially, I've been working towards this goal for a solid 1 year.
But unofficially...this goal is almost 3 years in the making. From the time that I did my very first triathlon in March 07...I had a sneaking suspicion that I would one day want to compete in an Ironman Tri.
My suspiscions turned into reality when I volunteered on the race course for Ironman Arizona that same year in April 07.
I witnessed thousands of people fulfilling their dreams that day....some completing their first ever Ironman...others attaining their personal PRs..and yet others qualifying for Ironman Hawaii for the first time in their lives.
I got teary eyed several times that day. I remember driving down the streets of tempe on the bike route, watching Ironman Triathletes working so hard on their bikes....so determined...reaching for their goals...
....and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'...
I remember watching people at the finish line...people who'd been going at it for over 13 hours... some running for a sprint finish, others wincing and hobling in pain to the end. Many had tears of joy running down their cheeks as they crossed the finish line and collapsed onto a volunteer...
...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'
I remember being at the volunteer's appreciation banquet the day after Ironman, where they played a video montage of the Ironman Race from the day before.
In one of the first scenes of the video, I remember AFI's 'Miseria Cantare" (The Beginning) playing in the background as they filmed the beginning of the swim start for Ironman. I remember watching a woman who was about to compete in the race look up to the sky and say a little prayer before jumping into the water to fulfill her destiny...
...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'
Well. It's 2.5years later.
And next week, on sunday, that 'someday' will arrive.
And on that day, that WILL be me.
I'm going to be the one looking up to the sky, wiping a tear out of my eye, and jumping into the water for the swim start.
And I'm going to be the one with my head down, focused, working hard on the bike with complete determination.
And I'm going to be the one crossing that finish line...sprinting or hobbling...it doesn't matter....I'm going to do it.
ANd Crossing the finish line along with me, will be the support and inspiration of many, many people who've helped me achieve this goal.
And I can't wait to make everyone proud.
But along with all these feelings of hope and determination come feelings of fear. I thought about this pretty hard.....I've been feeling a little anxious on and off for the last week or so as the day comes closer...and I've narrowed my anxiety down to two specific 'fears'
Fear 1) I'm scared of the pain that is to come on Sunday.
They say that Ironman is one of the most painful and trying experiences you'll ever go through in your life. And I believe them. I'm scared of what Mile 16 on the marathon will feel like. And worse yet, I'm scared of what Mile 20 will feel like. Will it feel like knives jabbing into my quads as some describe? Will I want to collapse at every single step going forward but force myself to keep going? Will I be in so much pain that a constant stream of tears will be flowing down my cheeks? Will I really feel the deepest, most painful physical 'hurt' I've ever felt in my entire life?
To be honest...all these pain related fears fuel my excitement a bit. Masochistic, I know. But I just keep thinking to myself "Can u imagine what it'll be like to be able to say 'I survived that...I survived an Ironman' " I want to know that hurt, as scared as I am of it, I want to embrace it as a part of the journey. I want to see what it feels like to conquer the pain with positive thinking...and I want to see what I'm capable of overcoming.
Fear 2) I've been working at this goal for so long now...I'm scared of feeling 'lost' after it's all over.
Unlike fear #2. This is the bad kind of fear. The kind of fear that I really should be able to push aside.
The thing is that I've been saying things like 'after ironman i'll travel' or 'after ironman i'll read more' and 'after ironman, i'll immerse myself more in the work I do' .
I have many, many things lined up that I want to do after Ironman...believe u me. But I don't have one definitive, cohesive goal, just a bunch of mini goals that I want to accompish after Ironman. And none are as well defined and as earth-shattering/life altering as Ironman. And I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to be a little while before I can figure out what that 'next big passion' will be in my life.
In the past when I've felt lost..I've been terrified of the what ifs. What if I can't find something else I love. What if I don't know what I want to do next....what if.
But this time, instead of running away from it...i want to welcome it. I have the opportunity to figure out my next big passion. Running will always be there. Triathlon will always be there. These things won't leave my life anytime soon. So what's there to be scared about? I have EVERYTHING to be excited about.
I get to be free, be flexible, carve out a path for myself. Will it be striving to get admitted to a Top Tier school for an MBAl? Will it be playing a key role in taking Hangout to a successful exit? Will it be taking the lessons that I've learned thus far and boostrapping my own little company? Or maybe someting else all together?
Who knows? And instead of being scared of the unknown...I am trying my best to embrace it with open arms.
All fears aside, right now, I know one thing for sure. It's way past my bedtime..and I can't wait for Ironman Arizona next Sunday
Azra
Every now and again i get nervous, and every now and again i get excited. But has it really, truly registered in my head that I'm doing this thing next week?
Not really. Well. At least not fully.
Because how can I possibly wrap the notion of this monumental, life altering event around my head? This ever looming goal that I've been working towards for so long now.
Officially, I've been working towards this goal for a solid 1 year.
But unofficially...this goal is almost 3 years in the making. From the time that I did my very first triathlon in March 07...I had a sneaking suspicion that I would one day want to compete in an Ironman Tri.
My suspiscions turned into reality when I volunteered on the race course for Ironman Arizona that same year in April 07.
I witnessed thousands of people fulfilling their dreams that day....some completing their first ever Ironman...others attaining their personal PRs..and yet others qualifying for Ironman Hawaii for the first time in their lives.
I got teary eyed several times that day. I remember driving down the streets of tempe on the bike route, watching Ironman Triathletes working so hard on their bikes....so determined...reaching for their goals...
....and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'...
I remember watching people at the finish line...people who'd been going at it for over 13 hours... some running for a sprint finish, others wincing and hobling in pain to the end. Many had tears of joy running down their cheeks as they crossed the finish line and collapsed onto a volunteer...
...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'
I remember being at the volunteer's appreciation banquet the day after Ironman, where they played a video montage of the Ironman Race from the day before.
In one of the first scenes of the video, I remember AFI's 'Miseria Cantare" (The Beginning) playing in the background as they filmed the beginning of the swim start for Ironman. I remember watching a woman who was about to compete in the race look up to the sky and say a little prayer before jumping into the water to fulfill her destiny...
...and I remember thinking 'that's going to be me someday'
Well. It's 2.5years later.
And next week, on sunday, that 'someday' will arrive.
And on that day, that WILL be me.
I'm going to be the one looking up to the sky, wiping a tear out of my eye, and jumping into the water for the swim start.
And I'm going to be the one with my head down, focused, working hard on the bike with complete determination.
And I'm going to be the one crossing that finish line...sprinting or hobbling...it doesn't matter....I'm going to do it.
ANd Crossing the finish line along with me, will be the support and inspiration of many, many people who've helped me achieve this goal.
And I can't wait to make everyone proud.
But along with all these feelings of hope and determination come feelings of fear. I thought about this pretty hard.....I've been feeling a little anxious on and off for the last week or so as the day comes closer...and I've narrowed my anxiety down to two specific 'fears'
Fear 1) I'm scared of the pain that is to come on Sunday.
They say that Ironman is one of the most painful and trying experiences you'll ever go through in your life. And I believe them. I'm scared of what Mile 16 on the marathon will feel like. And worse yet, I'm scared of what Mile 20 will feel like. Will it feel like knives jabbing into my quads as some describe? Will I want to collapse at every single step going forward but force myself to keep going? Will I be in so much pain that a constant stream of tears will be flowing down my cheeks? Will I really feel the deepest, most painful physical 'hurt' I've ever felt in my entire life?
To be honest...all these pain related fears fuel my excitement a bit. Masochistic, I know. But I just keep thinking to myself "Can u imagine what it'll be like to be able to say 'I survived that...I survived an Ironman' " I want to know that hurt, as scared as I am of it, I want to embrace it as a part of the journey. I want to see what it feels like to conquer the pain with positive thinking...and I want to see what I'm capable of overcoming.
Fear 2) I've been working at this goal for so long now...I'm scared of feeling 'lost' after it's all over.
Unlike fear #2. This is the bad kind of fear. The kind of fear that I really should be able to push aside.
The thing is that I've been saying things like 'after ironman i'll travel' or 'after ironman i'll read more' and 'after ironman, i'll immerse myself more in the work I do' .
I have many, many things lined up that I want to do after Ironman...believe u me. But I don't have one definitive, cohesive goal, just a bunch of mini goals that I want to accompish after Ironman. And none are as well defined and as earth-shattering/life altering as Ironman. And I'm scared. I'm scared that it's going to be a little while before I can figure out what that 'next big passion' will be in my life.
In the past when I've felt lost..I've been terrified of the what ifs. What if I can't find something else I love. What if I don't know what I want to do next....what if.
But this time, instead of running away from it...i want to welcome it. I have the opportunity to figure out my next big passion. Running will always be there. Triathlon will always be there. These things won't leave my life anytime soon. So what's there to be scared about? I have EVERYTHING to be excited about.
I get to be free, be flexible, carve out a path for myself. Will it be striving to get admitted to a Top Tier school for an MBAl? Will it be playing a key role in taking Hangout to a successful exit? Will it be taking the lessons that I've learned thus far and boostrapping my own little company? Or maybe someting else all together?
Who knows? And instead of being scared of the unknown...I am trying my best to embrace it with open arms.
All fears aside, right now, I know one thing for sure. It's way past my bedtime..and I can't wait for Ironman Arizona next Sunday
Azra
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Race next week!
Training's been going swimmingly well :) (also runningly and bikingly well!).
It's crazy how much I've progressed since I started training with Coach Jen in May. I've been doing Heart Rate based training with her and My endurance has gone WAY up, my ability to push on the bike has increased, and I'm learning how to fuel properly while training in hot conditions. As a result, my swim and bike have improved dramatically! And my run's coming along okay as well!
Last Wednesday, I did a 3200m swim. Can you believe it? 3200m! 2miles. 2 MILES!! And...I...actually... enjoyed it!
I wasn't bored, the workout was varied enough to keep my interest and I guess for me, that's the key with swimming. Last year, I couldn't even fathom swimming anything more than like 2000m or so without being bored out of my mind and look at me now. Swimming 2 miles at a time.
It's crazy how far I've come along. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with swimming every time I go, and the devil in me still tries to convince me that 'it's okay if I miss just this one little workout' and 'it's just the swim, how much will this one workout help anyway?' Buuuuut the more I swim, the better I feel, and the easier it is to quiet that mischeivious voice of doubt :)
Even my bike's getting stronger. I still have a hard time handling the heat when it's above 90 degrees outside. I slow WAYYYY down and occasionally feel nauseated in that kind of heat but I've been getting better at dealing with it. I really enjoy the mid week bike spin workouts I get from Coach Jen and I feel like they've helped me increase my strength on the bike quite a bit.
I have a race coming up next week, Barb's race. It's a Half Iron Distance race that is an all women's race and I'm so excited about it! The last few long 4-5h Bike-run bricks have gone rather well for me. I've been fueling right and drinking enough fluids, paying attention to my heart rate and trying to keep it within the right zones. (save a few hills here and there)As a result, I've been able to avoid extreme fatigue and been able to run with reasonable ease right after the bike!
Last weekend, I did a 5h bike ride with a 30 min run on the exact course that I'll be racing for Barb's race. The bike course is a bit technical (read turns and windy roads) but isn't terrible. It's nice with rolling hills and some flat-ish parts and one semi-steep hill that's ~.5mi long. Not too bad at all. In fact, it's gorgeous, winding through the Russian River/Allexandre valley/Healdsburg wine country. Ahh-mazing (if it hadn't been 95 degrees the whole time!).
I was sooo slow cuz little mama here just can't handle the heat. I have NO idea how I trained in Arizona and didn't drive myself bonkers! I took down only 6 bottles of fluids....really needed 7-8 but the stinking route didn't have any gas stations in sight for a solid 25 or so mile stretch on the route! I ran out of fluids and had to go on empty for quite some before we finally hit a gas station towards the last 1/5 of the ride. That was NOT fun.
I was worried that this would mean that I'd suffer alot on the run, but I tried not to pay attention to that. Instead, I focused on doing what I could do at that point i.e taking down my fluids and gels to the best of my abilities for the remainder of the ride and just focus on being positive.
Well guess what...I was able to turn my dehydrated state around! By the time the 5h ride was actually up, I was ready to rock the 30 minute run and was actually looking forward to it. The run went amazingly well considering how dehydrated I'd been earlier! Legs almost felt bouncy and wanted to go faster and once the 30min run was up, I felt like I could have kept going with the same vigor and energy for a while. That's great news :0) and it gives me lots of confidence for race day next weekend. I'm actually gonna be able to race and not just 'finish' this time!
I'm just giddy with excitement. I've been working hard with my training and I really feel like this is all going to pay off come Aug 1st (i.e the day of my Half Ironman).
Just how far have I come along? Well...we'll just have to see on Aug 1st now won't we :)
It's crazy how much I've progressed since I started training with Coach Jen in May. I've been doing Heart Rate based training with her and My endurance has gone WAY up, my ability to push on the bike has increased, and I'm learning how to fuel properly while training in hot conditions. As a result, my swim and bike have improved dramatically! And my run's coming along okay as well!
Last Wednesday, I did a 3200m swim. Can you believe it? 3200m! 2miles. 2 MILES!! And...I...actually... enjoyed it!
I wasn't bored, the workout was varied enough to keep my interest and I guess for me, that's the key with swimming. Last year, I couldn't even fathom swimming anything more than like 2000m or so without being bored out of my mind and look at me now. Swimming 2 miles at a time.
It's crazy how far I've come along. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with swimming every time I go, and the devil in me still tries to convince me that 'it's okay if I miss just this one little workout' and 'it's just the swim, how much will this one workout help anyway?' Buuuuut the more I swim, the better I feel, and the easier it is to quiet that mischeivious voice of doubt :)
Even my bike's getting stronger. I still have a hard time handling the heat when it's above 90 degrees outside. I slow WAYYYY down and occasionally feel nauseated in that kind of heat but I've been getting better at dealing with it. I really enjoy the mid week bike spin workouts I get from Coach Jen and I feel like they've helped me increase my strength on the bike quite a bit.
I have a race coming up next week, Barb's race. It's a Half Iron Distance race that is an all women's race and I'm so excited about it! The last few long 4-5h Bike-run bricks have gone rather well for me. I've been fueling right and drinking enough fluids, paying attention to my heart rate and trying to keep it within the right zones. (save a few hills here and there)As a result, I've been able to avoid extreme fatigue and been able to run with reasonable ease right after the bike!
Last weekend, I did a 5h bike ride with a 30 min run on the exact course that I'll be racing for Barb's race. The bike course is a bit technical (read turns and windy roads) but isn't terrible. It's nice with rolling hills and some flat-ish parts and one semi-steep hill that's ~.5mi long. Not too bad at all. In fact, it's gorgeous, winding through the Russian River/Allexandre valley/Healdsburg wine country. Ahh-mazing (if it hadn't been 95 degrees the whole time!).
I was sooo slow cuz little mama here just can't handle the heat. I have NO idea how I trained in Arizona and didn't drive myself bonkers! I took down only 6 bottles of fluids....really needed 7-8 but the stinking route didn't have any gas stations in sight for a solid 25 or so mile stretch on the route! I ran out of fluids and had to go on empty for quite some before we finally hit a gas station towards the last 1/5 of the ride. That was NOT fun.
I was worried that this would mean that I'd suffer alot on the run, but I tried not to pay attention to that. Instead, I focused on doing what I could do at that point i.e taking down my fluids and gels to the best of my abilities for the remainder of the ride and just focus on being positive.
Well guess what...I was able to turn my dehydrated state around! By the time the 5h ride was actually up, I was ready to rock the 30 minute run and was actually looking forward to it. The run went amazingly well considering how dehydrated I'd been earlier! Legs almost felt bouncy and wanted to go faster and once the 30min run was up, I felt like I could have kept going with the same vigor and energy for a while. That's great news :0) and it gives me lots of confidence for race day next weekend. I'm actually gonna be able to race and not just 'finish' this time!
I'm just giddy with excitement. I've been working hard with my training and I really feel like this is all going to pay off come Aug 1st (i.e the day of my Half Ironman).
Just how far have I come along? Well...we'll just have to see on Aug 1st now won't we :)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Better this time :)
Alright.
So if you read my last post, sorry to frreak you out. I'm doin just fine :)
Last week was a pretty low point in training. Skipped workouts and lack of focus resulted in me reaching an absolute nadir but also resulted in a realization that, if I want to succeed in this IronMan Triathlon that is now only 5 months away (Yikes!), I need to stop dwelling in 'misery' on things i should have done and focus on what I can do now.
So I decided, no more excuses.
Really. None.
I know that not every workout that I do will be met with extreme enthusiasm. I know that there will be days when I just-don't-wanna but I'm-just-gonna-hafta put one foot in front of the other or one arm in front of the other, focus on the task at hand and just get-it-done. Period.
I know that the 'runner's high' won't happen everytime I run, or that 'feeling like i'm gliding beautifully through the water' won't happen every time I swim, or that 'climbing the hill on my bike in the zone, perfectly connected' won't be as frequent an occurance as I'd like and that is OKAY.
I'll still be chasing those highs that WILL happen every now and make it all worth it.
And they may not always come in the form of my own running/biking/swimming.
They may come in the form of a Facebook friend who, after reading my endurance story, felt inspired to donate.
They may come in the form of my friend Karyn or Phil that I'm 'psuedo' coaching that tell me about how much they appreciate being able to talk to me about their training.
And they may come in the form of me reflecting on all that I've accomplished since I first started triathlons and allowing myself to actually be proud of myself, despite some of my short-comings.
I'm convinced that any major task or goal in life requires three things for success: Heart, Dedication and Faith.
Heart: You've gotta have the passion burning within you to accomplish what you've set out to do. If your heart's not in it, you've lost the battle before you even started. There will be days when you second guess yourself, and times when you're tired or worn out. But if you have a deep desire to accomplish your goal, it'll get you through those tough times and keep that light at the end of the tunnel in sight.
Dedication: Simply put, sometimes you just have to put your head down and do the work. You have to commit, fully. Your heart may be in it, but if you're not willing to put in the work, your 'heart' can only carry you through so far. The ability to put total focus and hardwork into the task at hand is absolutely essential in achieving success.
Faith: Gotta have faith. Gotta believe in yourself. Gotta know, deep down inside, that if you have the Heart and you put in the Work that you WILL succeed. Period. No room for doubts, no room for what-ifs... because if you don't believe in yourself, who else will?
Changing subjects:
On the training front, things are going great! I've had a few great workouts and a few 'gosh I don't wanna do this' workouts but over all, I'm pretty happy with everything.
Last sunday, I did an almost 4hr Brick workout (3:20 bike ride, 30 min run) and I was amazed at how resilient the body is.
The last time I had ridden over 40 miles was two months ago and the ease with which I was able to do it again was pleasantly surprising. No real pain or soreness, not even during the run.
The only issue is that I didn't take in enough calories on the bike. I was only eating about 150 or so calories per hour, when really it should be more like 250-300. As a result, I was ready to collapse at the end of the workout, not because I was worn out, but because I desperately needed some energy!
Note to self: Eat more or you'll whither away!
So if you read my last post, sorry to frreak you out. I'm doin just fine :)
Last week was a pretty low point in training. Skipped workouts and lack of focus resulted in me reaching an absolute nadir but also resulted in a realization that, if I want to succeed in this IronMan Triathlon that is now only 5 months away (Yikes!), I need to stop dwelling in 'misery' on things i should have done and focus on what I can do now.
So I decided, no more excuses.
Really. None.
I know that not every workout that I do will be met with extreme enthusiasm. I know that there will be days when I just-don't-wanna but I'm-just-gonna-hafta put one foot in front of the other or one arm in front of the other, focus on the task at hand and just get-it-done. Period.
I know that the 'runner's high' won't happen everytime I run, or that 'feeling like i'm gliding beautifully through the water' won't happen every time I swim, or that 'climbing the hill on my bike in the zone, perfectly connected' won't be as frequent an occurance as I'd like and that is OKAY.
I'll still be chasing those highs that WILL happen every now and make it all worth it.
And they may not always come in the form of my own running/biking/swimming.
They may come in the form of a Facebook friend who, after reading my endurance story, felt inspired to donate.
They may come in the form of my friend Karyn or Phil that I'm 'psuedo' coaching that tell me about how much they appreciate being able to talk to me about their training.
And they may come in the form of me reflecting on all that I've accomplished since I first started triathlons and allowing myself to actually be proud of myself, despite some of my short-comings.
I'm convinced that any major task or goal in life requires three things for success: Heart, Dedication and Faith.
Heart: You've gotta have the passion burning within you to accomplish what you've set out to do. If your heart's not in it, you've lost the battle before you even started. There will be days when you second guess yourself, and times when you're tired or worn out. But if you have a deep desire to accomplish your goal, it'll get you through those tough times and keep that light at the end of the tunnel in sight.
Dedication: Simply put, sometimes you just have to put your head down and do the work. You have to commit, fully. Your heart may be in it, but if you're not willing to put in the work, your 'heart' can only carry you through so far. The ability to put total focus and hardwork into the task at hand is absolutely essential in achieving success.
Faith: Gotta have faith. Gotta believe in yourself. Gotta know, deep down inside, that if you have the Heart and you put in the Work that you WILL succeed. Period. No room for doubts, no room for what-ifs... because if you don't believe in yourself, who else will?
Changing subjects:
On the training front, things are going great! I've had a few great workouts and a few 'gosh I don't wanna do this' workouts but over all, I'm pretty happy with everything.
Last sunday, I did an almost 4hr Brick workout (3:20 bike ride, 30 min run) and I was amazed at how resilient the body is.
The last time I had ridden over 40 miles was two months ago and the ease with which I was able to do it again was pleasantly surprising. No real pain or soreness, not even during the run.
The only issue is that I didn't take in enough calories on the bike. I was only eating about 150 or so calories per hour, when really it should be more like 250-300. As a result, I was ready to collapse at the end of the workout, not because I was worn out, but because I desperately needed some energy!
Note to self: Eat more or you'll whither away!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Sleepless...
It's happening again.
It's official.
The chlorine infused pool water at the YMCA SF HATES me.
LOATHES me.
REVELS in my misery.
NEVER wants me to come back.
You see, the pool and I....we don't get along.
Not only am I bad at swimming...I have this issue with water. I'm sort of...allergic to it.
Not so much when I drink it, but more so when I swim in it. Especially when Chlorine is involved.
I don't know WHAT is wrong with me or WHY this happens but, if I let too many days pass between swims, I get a 24 hr sinus bug.
But this isn't just an achoo-bless-you-oh-thank-you-sniffle-sniffle kind of bug.
This... is a SINUS BUG.
It is a COUGH your lungs up, SNEEZE your eye-balls out, BLOW the skin off your nose type of nasal malfunction.
And wanna know what the worst part about the whole thing is?
I CANNOT BREATHE.
AT ALL.
THROUGH EITHER NOSTRIL.
AT ALL
Yep. The ALL CAPS were absolutely essential in conveying the sentiment felt by yours truly.
Let me put it in perspective for you.
It's 2:52am, and I need to wake up by 8am to do a HARD bike workout before going in to work.
So what's the big deal Azra? Just go to sleep and you'll be fine.
You know, I'd love to go to sleep right now. In fact, I'm ridiculously sleepy....my bed looks so inviting..... oh so very, very inviting.....one problem:
I CANNOT BREATHE.
Infact, every time i try to swallow, my ears start to pop. My nose is just THAT clogged.
Not only do I have to wake up for an 8am bike ride, I need to do a 1h strength training routine in the evening....and if my nose doesn't free up soon...and I can't get to bed soon, I don't know how I'll successfully complete those workouts.
I know that this problem is very much a problem of the privileged and you're probably thinking:
Boo Hoo Azra, so you can't make your workouts tomorrow, you'll live, your life will go on
But it's not as simple as that.
I've signed up for a commitment: IRONMAN ARIZONA 2009.
And this commitment is very high on my priority list. It currently dictates a large part of my life.
But I have my doubts.
Lately I've been in a triathlon funk and I've been wondering...
Was signing up the right thing to do?
Is my heart even all the way in it?
It's 5 months before the race and I'm already working out 11-12h per week....swimming, biking, running, strength training, stretching...... it's overwhelming.
And I've only just begun...it's only gonna get tougher from here on out.
Sometimes....sometimes I wonder if it's all even worth the trouble?
On nights like tonight when I'm up at 2am because of my swim induced sinus bug....I really get put to the test.
At times it seems like all I do is work, eat, sleep, Ironman.
Yeh Jeena bhi Kya jeena hai lalloo ? (in hindi, rough translation: What kind of a life is this anyway?)
But then I remember: My commitment to compete in Ironman is no longer just a commitment to myself.
When I had signed up for Ironman, I had decided that I would fundraise for FOCUS Humanitarian
Not because I have to...but because accomplishing a feat as tremendous as Ironman would feel incomplete if it wasn't benefiting others who are less fortunate in the process.
Well, I finally set up my fundraising page: www.firstgiving.com/Azra where people can donate to FOCUS Humanitarian in support of my attempt to compete in Ironman.
In fact, I've already raised a small sum on the site.
People I personally know have been generous and compassionate enough to support me in this endeavor.
They've put their faith in FOCUS.
They've put their faith in me and in my ability to successfully train for and attempt Ironman.
Some have even been inspired by my story.
And that means I can't let them down.
On days like today, when I am wondering 'What am I doing all this for anyway?' I have a constant reminder motivating me to persevere:
Because They believe in you.
Because They are counting on you.
Because this isn't just about you anymore.
Because no matter how 'bad' you think you may have it, there are so many others out there who have it so much worse.
And you cannot let them down.
And you have to stay strong.
And you cannot let this get to you.
It's official.
The chlorine infused pool water at the YMCA SF HATES me.
LOATHES me.
REVELS in my misery.
NEVER wants me to come back.
You see, the pool and I....we don't get along.
Not only am I bad at swimming...I have this issue with water. I'm sort of...allergic to it.
Not so much when I drink it, but more so when I swim in it. Especially when Chlorine is involved.
I don't know WHAT is wrong with me or WHY this happens but, if I let too many days pass between swims, I get a 24 hr sinus bug.
But this isn't just an achoo-bless-you-oh-thank-you-sniffle-sniffle kind of bug.
This... is a SINUS BUG.
It is a COUGH your lungs up, SNEEZE your eye-balls out, BLOW the skin off your nose type of nasal malfunction.
And wanna know what the worst part about the whole thing is?
I CANNOT BREATHE.
AT ALL.
THROUGH EITHER NOSTRIL.
AT ALL
Yep. The ALL CAPS were absolutely essential in conveying the sentiment felt by yours truly.
Let me put it in perspective for you.
It's 2:52am, and I need to wake up by 8am to do a HARD bike workout before going in to work.
So what's the big deal Azra? Just go to sleep and you'll be fine.
You know, I'd love to go to sleep right now. In fact, I'm ridiculously sleepy....my bed looks so inviting..... oh so very, very inviting.....one problem:
I CANNOT BREATHE.
Infact, every time i try to swallow, my ears start to pop. My nose is just THAT clogged.
Not only do I have to wake up for an 8am bike ride, I need to do a 1h strength training routine in the evening....and if my nose doesn't free up soon...and I can't get to bed soon, I don't know how I'll successfully complete those workouts.
I know that this problem is very much a problem of the privileged and you're probably thinking:
Boo Hoo Azra, so you can't make your workouts tomorrow, you'll live, your life will go on
But it's not as simple as that.
I've signed up for a commitment: IRONMAN ARIZONA 2009.
And this commitment is very high on my priority list. It currently dictates a large part of my life.
But I have my doubts.
Lately I've been in a triathlon funk and I've been wondering...
Was signing up the right thing to do?
Is my heart even all the way in it?
It's 5 months before the race and I'm already working out 11-12h per week....swimming, biking, running, strength training, stretching...... it's overwhelming.
And I've only just begun...it's only gonna get tougher from here on out.
Sometimes....sometimes I wonder if it's all even worth the trouble?
On nights like tonight when I'm up at 2am because of my swim induced sinus bug....I really get put to the test.
At times it seems like all I do is work, eat, sleep, Ironman.
Yeh Jeena bhi Kya jeena hai lalloo ? (in hindi, rough translation: What kind of a life is this anyway?)
But then I remember: My commitment to compete in Ironman is no longer just a commitment to myself.
When I had signed up for Ironman, I had decided that I would fundraise for FOCUS Humanitarian
Not because I have to...but because accomplishing a feat as tremendous as Ironman would feel incomplete if it wasn't benefiting others who are less fortunate in the process.
Well, I finally set up my fundraising page: www.firstgiving.com/Azra where people can donate to FOCUS Humanitarian in support of my attempt to compete in Ironman.
In fact, I've already raised a small sum on the site.
People I personally know have been generous and compassionate enough to support me in this endeavor.
They've put their faith in FOCUS.
They've put their faith in me and in my ability to successfully train for and attempt Ironman.
Some have even been inspired by my story.
And that means I can't let them down.
On days like today, when I am wondering 'What am I doing all this for anyway?' I have a constant reminder motivating me to persevere:
Because They believe in you.
Because They are counting on you.
Because this isn't just about you anymore.
Because no matter how 'bad' you think you may have it, there are so many others out there who have it so much worse.
And you cannot let them down.
And you have to stay strong.
And you cannot let this get to you.
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